 |
 |
Carter's Carters John Lennon Musical Parade Real Love Diaper Bag Elephant Rhino |  |
 |
US $32.99 | 21d 5h 45m |
| Powered by phpBay Pro |
John Lennon Diaper
a poem for literature lovers, please critique the crap out of it?
She was a natural with New York cool
She was born to do it
A beautiful talented baby
The love child of Steve McQueen and Sharon Tate
Her Godfather was Andy Warhol
He took her to his factory
At an early age
she was weaned on Transvestites
Surrounded by Campbells Soup Can prints
While still in diapers
Jim Carroll was her hipster older uncle
He showed her the seedier side of life
how to shoot hoops and shoot junk
and the tattoos that are found
on the painted ladies inner thighs.
Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground
played her Quinceanera
Nico gave her a french kiss
Moe Tucker made her Peanut Butter and Jelly
with the crusts cut off
Before she departed for a midwest Walmart
Twiggy used to baby-sit for her naked
Late at night when the lights went down
John Lennon, Lester Bangs and Richard Brautigan
would all stop by for a visit
inquiring about a chord changeor the turn of a phrase
and she told them what she thought
though she couldn't keep them alive.
I like this poem enough to take you up on the challenge.
this clever poem could be even better with proper punctuation.
2nd stanza, 2nd line- the very def. of banal. You're a poet- it's a poem, be poetic. "He flew her to his factory" is a simple change which not only adds the aural tittilation of alliteration, but could even play on the "God" in Godfather.
Andy Warhol took her under wing- so much you could play with here if you chose- alliteration, internal and slant rhyme. Instead you've written a series of banal pronouncements.
The 1st stanza can stand without punctuation, although it wouldn't detract, but the 2nd is awkwardly written. I'm gonna guess at the punctuation here.
2nd stanza,
1st line- should end thusly.
2nd- again, .
4th- I think it would be far more interesting were our heroine weaned BY rather than on transvestites, a word which need not be capitalized in this context. Weaning on transvestites sound like an idea for an entirely different literary endeavor- memoir, mayhaps? End with ; because the last 2 lines do not work as a sentence otherwise.
5th- Warhol could be invoked much more poetically. Here again, the idea is interesting enough to keep me reading but the imagery is banal. I imagine being a child in diapers surrounded by multiple multi-colored images of people far more evocative an image than the soup can prints you mention.
Example- Surrounded by day-glo doppelgangers,
She wondered if every 1 was 4.
Admittedly not the best, but you get what I'm saying.
Read W C Williams again and then come back to this poem- this stanza in particular.
3rd stanza- as I'm reading, I can't help but try to add a hyphen to the end of the 2nd line thru sheer force of will. Impossible task but that is how frustrating your disregard for punctuation makes me feel- BECAUSE it's a good poem, I want it to be great. There are great poems written sans punctuation, and maybe you've written some, but this ain't it. The imagery doesn't soar high enough to escape the bonds of gravity.
4th stanza- an entertaining list. I think it would read better if you changed the last line:
"Before departing for a midwest Walmart." The she referred to is rather ambiguous otherwise.
5th stanza- This one reads best because of the alliteration and rhyme.
You have a lot of material to work with here and it seems you stopped short. It reads as a 1st draft blowing thru a creative mind. Don't be lazy- rewrite.
|
|
Carter's Carters John Lennon Musical Parade Real Love Diaper Bag Elephant Rhino | |
|
US $32.99 | 21d 5h 45m |
| Powered by phpBay Pro |
|
|
John Lennon - Lennon $21.99 John Lennon - Lennon - T-Shirt |
|
|
John Lennon $9.99 John Lennon - Poster |
| Account limit of 2104 requests per hour exceeded. |
[HERO]5thBeatle★TotRockProdigy★TV&News from REUTERS
